Well, it's the one day of the year I've been waiting for. The day I get my husband and father back. Yes, you know it: Super Bowl Sunday.
I have to admit that playing fantasy football this year did make football actually worthwhile for me, and I have made so many new friends like Maurice Jones-Drew and Awwck-med Bradshaw. However, I can't forget my new frenemies either, such as Michael Vick and Desean Jackson. But now it's all over and I can go back to my normal Sundays with my husband of being lazy and watching TV....Oh, wait.
This year I attended a lovely Super Bowl party, sporting a No. 12 Tom Brady jersey. It did feel kind of weird wearing anything but a Redskins jersey, but c'mon, I got to support my man. I had been receiving death threats and hater posts on Facebook all day about this decision, which I really enjoyed, because I love causing controversy and drama when it comes to sports.
Alas, I confidently strutted into the party with my Brady jersey to discover I was the only adult at the party wearing a jersey. Do adults not wear jerseys anymore to football parties? I figured that was the case and decided to sit in the area of the home designated for the elementary school children.
As the game started, I arrogantly thought that I could teach these kids a thing or two about the game of football, but of course I now have more questions than ever. Here are some of my thoughts:
1. What the heck happened to Tom Brady on his first drive? First of all, I don't even know if the term "first drive" is the correct terminology, but I've heard people say it, so now I'm using it.
All I know is Tom Brady basically started near the endzone, threw the ball at no one, and then the Giants got two points. As this happened I found myself screaming, "What just happened? What is a safety?" much to the laughter of all the adults in the room. I quickly realized I couldn't just shout out all the questions I had about the game, because I wanted to seem knowledgeable and like the football aficionado that I am.
My husband quickly explained to me what a safety was, just as someone who missed the play walked into the room and asked what just happened. I calmly informed him that "a safety just happened," like I have been understanding football my whole life. I could tell this person was impressed.
2. Again, 12 men on the field? As previously mentioned in my prior article: I refuse to understand this penalty. I will repeat myself in asking, how can this happen, especially in the Super Bowl??
This penalty must have occurred a million times and I am more convinced than ever that they need to hire one person to be in charge of counting the men on the field since the other 50 coaches can't seem to do this. Are football players running out on the field whenever they feel like it? Are 12 different coaches sending out football players without talking to one another? I don't get it and I feel like this is an easy fix. Maybe I'll apply for this job and I'll be sure to keep a close eye on Tom Brady so he doesn't inflict this penalty on his team. Although I'm pretty sure, he needs to be on the field most times.
3. Victor Cruz and Awwck-med Bradshaw: My BFF, Awwck-med, did great. I feel bad that I didn't want his team to win, but I support him nonetheless. However, I am disappointed in myself that I just discovered Victor Cruz. Why did no one tell me about this salsa-dancing gem, or how did I never notice him? I blame fantasy football.
I think I was so preoccupied with only watching Awwck-med, since he was my all-star running back, that whenever Eli threw the ball I shut down. As I now know in fantasy, you want the person on your own team to score the touchdown, so every time I watched the Giants, I was praying that Eli would HAND-OFF the ball to Awwcck-med so I could get the points and crush my competition.
I wonder if this happens to other people...that they zone in so much on their fantasy players that they ignore everything else. Isn't it crazy that I'm talking about this and know all this football stuff? I'm patting myself on the back right now.
Back to Awwck-med. I also loved how he scored the game-winning touchdown in the end and, obviously, I had no idea what was going on at first. Why were Patriot fans cheering and Giant fans jeering at this play? He just scored a touchdown!! I never thought I'd be consoling a player through the TV (which I often do) after they score a touchdown, but I did find myself saying, "It's ok, Awwck-med, don't you worry about just scoring that touchdown." So weird, these football rules.
Anyway, we all know how this exciting game ended. The Patriots reverted back to their pee-wee football days where they were just learning to catch, run and throw, and were defeated. After being bullied by terrifying Giant fans, Gisele seemed to sum it up with this scandalous review, "My husband can not f***ing throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time. I can’t believe they dropped the ball so many times." Hmmm, maybe they don't teach good sportsmanship in Brazil or at Victoria's Secret? I hope this doesn't affect Tom's BFF status with Wes Welker and Rob Gronkowski.
After the Patriots lost, I was bombarded with texts from my friends who are the wives or girlfriends of diehard Patriots fans, and they were all asking for help. Some of them seemed scared for their own lives, but I offered them the same advice that I was given at a young age when dealing with my brothers and father at the hands of a Skins loss...STAY AWAY.
Do not speak, do not offer any consolation, just give them space. After a while, men seem to calm down, come back to their senses, and realize that the players can't hear you through the TV. My husband says he needs 15 minutes of "alone time" after a Redskins loss. These days, that's all the time he'll dedicate to being angry when it comes to the Redskins, although it was much different when he was growing up during the Super Bowl years.
But ladies, my point now is that football is done and we no longer have to deal with our men having a pretend football team or worry about their uncontrollable rage, mood swings or depression. All I have left to say now is...Can I get an AMEN!!!
Read more of Heather's "work" here.